I knew as soon as my eyes opened Saturday morning that it would be a low weekend. By low I mean my mood. Lethargic, grumpy, achy, and miserable. I just want to become one with the couch. Graft the remote to one hand. Please, don’t try to talk to me.
“It’s the yucky weather.”
“It’s just that kind of lazy weekend.”
“Maybe the pollen is bothering me.”
All excuses I’ve made for my bad behavior. But the truth is I want to be that way. Chase everyone away with my snarky attitude and sour face. I get like that. It happens. What I want more than anything when I get this way, is for everyone to leave me alone and let me wallow.
No, nothing has happened, nobody hurt my feelings, no one said or did anything to me. It’s me, all me, and why can’t I be that way? Everyone has ups and downs. I simply stopped hiding the downs. People are great at putting on a mask of happiness and pushing through it. I stopped doing that because, one, I realized my highs are much higher when I allow the lows, and two, the more I embrace the lows the longer the stretch of time between them.
It won’t last, it never does, I simply need to be in crappy mood for 48 hours and it’ll go away. If you know me at all, you know I say things before I’ve thought it through. I warn you, if you continue to make stupid attempts to speak to me when I’m in this low place, you’re going to walk away with hurt feelings. So just don’t, save us both the drama of hard feelings, apologies, and time lost being mad at one another.
I should make a sign to warn people when I get this way. I know better than to purposefully interact with people when I’m low but occasionally the timing is off and I have no choice, some things can’t be rescheduled and it’s not a very adult-like thing to do. I mean who reschedules an appointment because they don’t feel like it? Well, depending on the depth of my low, it can be necessary.
Once in a while it takes longer than 48 hours and the low spills over into Monday. Right this very moment, I’m on the upside of the low …and… as my fingers strike the keys, I know I should not be sharing this. (Don’t worry, my office door is closed, limiting the chance I’ll get myself fired.) I know, the logical thing to do is delete the whole post. No one wants to listen to me whine. Is anyone wondering what happens when the low hits me in the middle of the week? I can fake it with the best of them, that’s what. Faking it though, is not good for me. It prolongs the entire episode. I lose sleep and I snowball until I’m wrapped so tightly in suppressed crankiness that I bite someone’s head off. Usually for no good reason. Unfortunately, that poor soul is usually someone I love dearly. They must love me something fierce to put up with my shit. If I’m being honest, I love them through their shit right back, so it’s kind of even.
Since I knew this weekend would be low, I’ve avoided social media for the most part and (although it’s driving me insane) I’ve even avoided beta feedback that came in over the weekend. Because, Lord knows, I’m not in a place to have anything I’ve worked hard on be nitpicked and ripped apart by anyone, constructive or not.
Tomorrow will be a new day. The weather forecast is promising. When my center is higher and I can tolerate other people’s thoughts, I’ll read the feedback and rather than ripping up my short story and give up this whole writing thing, I’ll sit with the critique, have an open mind, and consider all sides of it. I might even smile at a few people.
I wonder what my sign should say. Suggestions?